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maskormenacelogs2015-06-17 02:25 pm
oathkeeping) wrote in maskormenacelogs2015-06-17 02:25 pm
Entry tags:
Some things you want will just never be right
WHO: Roxas and Xion
WHERE: A rooftop somewhere in Heropa
WHEN: June 17
WHAT: They've come from two different points in time, and it's time to plat catch-up.
WARNINGS: Angst. Discussion of in-canon character death.
[This isn't a talk Roxas wants to have. It's not a memory he wants to recall, except that knowing what it's like to forget everything, he would never choose to lose this one, no matter how much it hurts—even now, when it's a persistent ache rather than a sharp pain in his chest.
He hates that he's going to make Xion feel the same way. But he hates the idea of lying to her even more.
It's been weeks now since he got back the best friend he hadn't realized he'd been lost, and it almost feels normal to have her here, doing all the normal-kid things they didn't do when they were with the Organization. She hasn't asked too many questions, probably because she doesn't know how much there is to ask about. And maybe it's unfair of him to do this now and mess things up, but he couldn't do it when she first arrived. He just couldn't.
This roof isn't the same as the clock in Twilight town, and having to climb up stairs is a lot more annoying. Stupid corridors not working for him here. But it's a nice day, and there's a good view, and it only seems appropriate to talk about Axel here.]
Hey.
[He waves when he reaches his destination and sees she's beaten him to it. Of course she has.]
WHERE: A rooftop somewhere in Heropa
WHEN: June 17
WHAT: They've come from two different points in time, and it's time to plat catch-up.
WARNINGS: Angst. Discussion of in-canon character death.
[This isn't a talk Roxas wants to have. It's not a memory he wants to recall, except that knowing what it's like to forget everything, he would never choose to lose this one, no matter how much it hurts—even now, when it's a persistent ache rather than a sharp pain in his chest.
He hates that he's going to make Xion feel the same way. But he hates the idea of lying to her even more.
It's been weeks now since he got back the best friend he hadn't realized he'd been lost, and it almost feels normal to have her here, doing all the normal-kid things they didn't do when they were with the Organization. She hasn't asked too many questions, probably because she doesn't know how much there is to ask about. And maybe it's unfair of him to do this now and mess things up, but he couldn't do it when she first arrived. He just couldn't.
This roof isn't the same as the clock in Twilight town, and having to climb up stairs is a lot more annoying. Stupid corridors not working for him here. But it's a nice day, and there's a good view, and it only seems appropriate to talk about Axel here.]
Hey.
[He waves when he reaches his destination and sees she's beaten him to it. Of course she has.]
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[Xion's adopted her perch on the edge of the roof, her legs dangling over the side and swaying idly back and forth while she waits. It's not as high up as the clock tower was, but the building is situated on a high patch of ground, giving a pretty view over the Heropa skyline and stretching out onto the sea beyond. It's nice to have the beach so close, it makes it seem real and not an impossible place to dream of visiting.
Maybe someday Axel will come and they can all go together, just like they always wanted.
But now, it's just her and Roxas up here and that's enough for Xion. This is becoming 'the usual place', and it's only customary to bring ice cream. She turns and waves upon hearing Roxas, a big smile on her face as she scootches up to make space for him next to her.]
What kept you, slowpoke?
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[Probably. It's been a long time since he was able to do anything by himself, without acting through someone else. It's possible he wouldn't be able to open them anywhere.]
You had a shortcut. I took the long way.
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[She smiles and pokes her tongue out at him before reaching behind her for a small, soft cooler bag she's brought with her. She produces two wrapped ice lollies from it and presents one to Roxas with a flourish.]
Ta-da!
[The packaging depicts an orange, yellow and red popsicle shaped like a rocket.]
I still can't find sea-salt, but I thought we could try this one today.
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Wow. I wonder what flavor that is?
[It could be a bunch of different ones. H e takes the pop and unwraps it, but doesn't put it in his mouth right away.]
Um...I wanted to talk about something, though.
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[Xion has already torn off the wrapping of her frozen treat and turns to look at him again, popsicle in mouth. With a shrug she pulls it out and licks her lips, trying to determine the flavour.]
I think the red part's strawberry, but it's good! You should try it. What did you want to talk about?
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[Before she died. Or went back to being part of Sora. It's not exactly the same, but it feels like it is. He scrunches the wrapper into a ball, as if it's a very necessary action, so he doesn't have to meet her eyes for a few seconds.]
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[It's time to ignore the popsicle.
Xion doesn't necessarily think she wants to talk about this, she doesn't want to know too many of the details. Thinking about how things had to have been for her friends after she died makes her chest ache. She doesn't regret it, she'll never regret making the choice she did. It helps knowing that Roxas and Axel wouldn't have been able to remember her in order to miss her, and that they could go on being best friends, only as two instead of three.
That part makes her chest hurt too.
She drops her eyes to her popsicle, but it doesn't have her attention.]
I'm sorry.
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[He sees that now. They all made mistakes, but Xion had been backed into a corner more than anyone. Everything she'd done, she'd done for her friends, in the end.]
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[She turns to look at him, wide eyed, and reaches for his free hand.]
I fought you. I said those horrible things so you'd fight me and I didn't mean any of them Roxas, I promise I didn't! And I hurt Axel too, I had to fight him and then Xemnas-
[She won't go on with that train of thought, it's too painful. The machines, the fight in Twilight Town... the end.]
I did those things because I thought it would be better that way, that it would help...
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You did. As much as you could!
[Ultimately, there was only so much help either of them could have given.]
But Xion...that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm not mad at you. I...I understand why you did what you did, and why you didn't tell me about it back then.
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Xion squeezes his hand back, and doesn't let go.]
I'm never going to hide anything important from you again. Never. I promise. I want everything to be different this time.
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That's why I have to tell you what happened after I went back to Sora. It was...it was bad. Not for me, it was like sleeping for me, but a lot was going on and I was still with him.
[Does that even make sense? He doesn't know how to put into words what he and Sora were then. Different from Sora and Xion, he's sure.]
And then he went into the darkness to make it to the castle—and Axel came to help him.
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Xion has always hoped that once she and Roxas went back to where they were supposed to be, everything would turn out okay for them and everyone else. The Organization would be thwarted, Kingdom Hearts wouldn't be completed and all their mistakes would be atoned for.
But she supposes now, looking at the ashen look on Roxas' face and hearing how tight his voice sounds... that perhaps, once again, she's been too naive.]
But... they were okay, right? They helped each other, they made it to castle safe? Roxas?
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[Whatever part of him still existed inside Sora. His best friend had no way of knowing for sure that Roxas was still there, sleeping away a shared life, but he'd had faith. And in the end that had been enough for him.]
And he did everything he could to...
Xion, Axel died.
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It's not a proper laugh, it's more like an involuntary spasm that comes out as nervous sound that could be a laugh if they were discussing something funny, something that would make you want to laugh. She's looking at Roxas in stunned disbelief, and then shakes her head.]
No...
[Her popsicle tumbles from her suddenly slack fingers and she makes no attempt to stop it. It falls to the pavement below, and she doesn't even notice.]
No. No that's not-
[Suddenly she pushes herself upright, standing suddenly on the rooftop and swaying to reclaim her balance. Her gaze is locked on Roxas, and she wants him to refute it, to laugh and say it's all a joke so she can smack him in the arm for being unfunny and teasing her.
But it's not. There's nothing funny here. Nothing false.
It's just him and her and an awful truth.
Even so, she can't bring herself to believe it.]
No he can't have!
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Maybe there's nothing better about any of this.]
I'm sorry.
[He swipes at his cheek. He hasn't cried about Axel since he's been here, but this cuts right to the sadness he still feels for his best friend. Of course it's still there.]
It was his choice. He said...he told Sora that I made him feel like he had a heart.
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[She looks at him in disbelief and confusion, unsure why he's apologising. Why should he? If it hurts this badly to hear it, if it makes his chest hurt the way hers does right now, if it's making his eyes burn and his cheeks hot and his throat tight then there is no need for him to feel sorry. Not if he's suffering like she is.]
Don't be sorry, don't be. You didn't-
[Neither of them could have done anything to stop this.
Instead, she hugs him fiercely, shaking as she tries to fight back her tears.]
He... Axel and you... you make me feel that.
[But there's no fighting back the tears, not for this.]
I can't believe he's-
[She can't bring herself to say gone]
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Axel wanted him to live, for sure, even as part of Sora. He knows his best friend wouldn't regret his choice. But he does wonder if he knew just how much Roxas would miss him.]
It kind of woke me up. I attacked Sora afterward, but...we worked things out.
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[Her voice is muffled against his shoulder, so she changes that and draws back to look at him, her eyes still wet with tears.]
How could you attack him, how does that work?
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[He shrugs, but not too hard—he's not trying to push her away. But her guess is as good as his.]
I guess you could say we had a heart-to-heart connection.
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Gingerly, she puts her hand on his chest, above the place his heart should be.]
Does it feel like you have one now? Now that you've been back with Sora?
[Could you feel me there? she wants to ask, but she knows it's pointless. There's nothing left of her where he's come from, not even the barest whisper of a memory.
Besides, knowing what Roxas has just told her about Axel... she doesn't want him to have felt the hurt that she feels now. Feeling such grief for one person is pain enough, no one should have to carry two people's.]
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[He hesitates, though, because that's not right. Things are different now that he's been reunited with Sora, sure. But some things aren't, and the fact that they aren't has put a few things into stark clarity for Roxas.]
But I think I already had one. Don't ask me how. [He shakes his head.] But I'm sure now that even before I met Sora, I was different from when I was born. Maybe I grew one.
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[She lets her hand drop from his chest and instead draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them.]
Maybe Axel had one too, in the end.
[She drops her chin on top of her knees and looks across the city.]
What does it feel like? Having a heart I mean.
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[But that could have just as much to do with the fact that they aren't part of the Organization anymore. They don't have to step back and look on now.]
Xion...are you sure that you don't have one, too?
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[Her fingers grip the edges of her coat at her knees tightly.]
Away from this place, I'm not anything.
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[Even...even if he doesn't remember her.]
Neither of us are what the Organization expected us to be. I just don't think we should let them define what we're capable of.
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[She still looks at her knees.]
You and Axel are my best friends. Nothing's going to change that, even what you've told me about today. Heart or no heart. Even if I never have one... it doesn't take away what I feel.
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[It's his turn to hug her tight. They're both here, solid. No one's going anywhere.]
Come on. Are you hungry? Let's get a burger or something.
[It's different from ice cream. But maybe they can use something new right now.]
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It's just them now. Maybe someday Axel might arrive here, just like she did, and perhaps then, once he remembers, he might be able to understand why she did what she did.
Perhaps he might be able to forgive her.
But for now, it's her and Roxas and there's nothing that can break them apart again.]
Sure. But as long as we get milkshakes too.